Shit that Pissed me Off – 7/24

Drug Testing for Welfare Recipients is a Huge Bust

Government needs to be smaller, they tell us.  It isn’t that I disagree with that basic sentiment but I don’t understand why there is a huge push from the right to test welfare recipients for drug use.

I mean, I understand the basic (dumb) argument.  We don’t want people receiving handouts to be using those handouts to fund a drug habit.  Better that they receive zero money and zero treatment and they die in an opium den, I guess.  Or maybe they will just have their legs broken because they can’t pay their dealer.

Anyway, the problem isn’t the rationale so much as the results.  The number of drug users being caught is so low, it doesn’t come close to saving the government the money it is spending on catching the drug users.  Has anyone thought about rebranding the “war on drugs” as a “limited police action” on drugs.

Throw down your pot and put your leaves up! DO IT NOW!

Throw down your pot and put your leaves up! DO IT NOW!

So instead of small government, we have big government looking for evidence of drug abuse and finding comparatively little.  Even if estimates are correct and 8% of welfare recipients are drug abusers, that leaves most welfare recipients in the position of being assumed guilty until a drug test proves otherwise.

Is it legal? Well I’m pretty sure John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Antonin Scalia think so.

Which means it may be legal but it is almost certainly a bad idea.

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The Worst Job in the World

I’m going to tell you what I personally think is the worst job in the world.  Perhaps it’s best to call it the job I would have right before I realized I had nothing left to live for.  It’s this job right here:

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What do they call this job?  Sign waver?  Potential target in Death Race 2000? Least valuable member of the team?

I can only assume they give this job to people who suck at making pizza.  And you’d have to really suck at making pizza to be kicked out of a Little Caesars kitchen.

If you suck at making pizza that bad, they put you out on the street and make you wave around a sign so passing motorists will think “man, I haven’t had any cheap, shitty pizza in a while. Sure, I just ate an expensive lunch on my company’s dime but for only $5.00, I can buy a large pizza, eat half a slice and give the rest to my staff.  I’ll look like the most generous guy on the planet!”

While this ploy might work with Donald Trump, I don’t know if it works for anyone else.

So some poor dude is standing out on a corner freezing or baking his ass off for little to no benefit.  At least that’s what it looks like to me.  Maybe Little Caesars sells dozens of extra pizzas every time they send one of these guys out on the street.  Maybe it’s because people think “oh thank god that asshole isn’t making pizza right now.”

It looks like a shitty job to me.  But you know what has occurred to me lately?  There’s a job that sucks just a little bit more.

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Shit that Pissed me off – 7/17

16-Year Old Child of Anti Vaxxers Uses Her Own Money to Get Vaccinated

Good for her, right?  She decided she wasn’t interested in getting the Measles so, of her own free will, she went behind her parent’s backs and solved the problem the way most of us would solve that problem.

The mom is losing her shit because she didn’t consent to the procedure.  Too bad for her they live in Canada and at sixteen, her daughter gets to do whatever the fuck she wants with her own body.

As a parent, I understand that there are certain choices we need to make for our kids until they reach a certain age.  I’ve told my kids that they can get a tattoo if they want but they have to wait until they are 18.  Why?  Because I figure it will give them a little time to think about it before they get a picture of Twilight Sparkle tattooed on their butt.

Nothing against My Little Pony, you understand, I just think this would be a creepy-ass tattoo.

Nothing against My Little Pony, you understand, I just think this would be a creepy-ass tattoo.

If they came to me at 17 and had a good argument, I’d probably tell them it was fine.

Given how my kids respond to pain, this hypothetical conversation is never going to happen.  But I digress.

This pain in the ass mom seems to think that she has some right to control over another person’s body because that body happens to belong to her daughter.

What is she so angry about anyway?  If her daughter develops autism as a result of the vaccines, she is still going to be moving out in a couple of years.

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Funny is as Funny Does

I’ve been reading a lot about what people think is funny.

I’ve discovered one universal truth: if it doesn’t make you laugh, it’s not funny.

By that I mean if a comedic piece doesn’t make someone laugh, they declare it isn’t funny.

If they don’t get the joke, it is because it was a bad joke.

If twenty other people laughed and/or got the joke, they were wrong.

With that in mind, I want to talk about Dumb and Dumber. I really hate the movie.  I don’t find it funny at all.  Except for the dog van.  That shit is hilarious.

I think it's the ears.

I think it’s the ears.

So.  I don’t like Dumb and Dumber.  It doesn’t make me laugh.  Since I’m a comedian and I, theoretically, know comedy, does that mean the film isn’t funny?  Does it mean I should lecture everyone who loves the movie on all the ways it is a terrible comedy?  Does it mean I should say very thoughtful things like “I understand why you think it was funny but here’s why you are wrong.”

Or does it mean that comedy is, at least in part, a matter of opinion? Read More…

Shit that Pissed me off – 7/10

I was at CONvergence having a wonderful time last week so I apologize that I didn’t post my regular column.  Today, I shall play catch up on a bunch of stupid shit stretching as far back as three weeks.

Football Fans Tell a Player He Shouldn’t Talk about Anything but Football

This happens a lot.  People tell someone they aren’t allowed to have informed opinions about anything except that for which they are most well-known.

In this instance, a white fan from Lacey, Washington, complained that a black football player from Charleston, South Carolina should not have an opinion about racism in the south.  I mean sure, that makes sense.  A white guy in Washington knows a lot more about racism.  

He only lives - like - ten states away from South Carolina! He obviously knows better!

He only lives – like – ten states away from South Carolina! He obviously knows better!

He certainly shouldn’t be subjected the opinion of a black guy from the south.  Unless it’s about football.

The football player in question, Byron Maxwell, was responding to the recent massacre in his home town.  His home town!

How entitled do you have to be to look at comments like that and think “I don’t want to hear the opinions of that guy because I know what’s going on way better than he does?”

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Shit that Pissed me off – 6/26

Writers note: What with landmark Supreme Court rulings in favor of Obamacare and same-sex marriage this week, I contemplated taking a week off.  I mean, why be pissed when two things I strongly support are taking their victory lap?

Sadly, there are still things that piss me off.  Please accept, though, that I am writing this week’s column with a satisfied smile on my face.

What the Fuck is Wrong with Clarence Thomas?

While Antonin Scalia can be counted on for red faced dissenting opinions in which he bemoans the fact that social liberals exist, much less occasionally win, Thomas’ dissent in the same-sex marriage case is positively draconian.

In it, he suggests that slaves in America and the Japanese Americans who were interred during WWII did not lose their dignity.  He reasons (wrongly) that nobody can take away your dignity.

It seems odd that anyone would need to tell a black man how the system of slavery in the south was specifically designed to strip people of their dignity.  It is certainly odd that I, a white guy, seem to be more aware of this fact than him. Calling a person “property” doesn’t feel particularly dignified.

While Scalia is bemoaning the death of our democracy, Thomas seems to be questioning the definition of our humanity.  He wants to believe that we all have a limitless capacity for handling bullshit and the Government has no responsibility to make it stop.

If anyone here felt they lost their dignity, it was their own fucking fault!

If anyone here felt they lost their dignity, it was their own fucking fault!

Government can and has taken away human dignity. Today, it handed a little bit of dignity back.

What really bugs me about Scalia and Thomas is their dissent doesn’t feel like it is about law.  They are personally pissed that they lost and because they are justices on the Supreme Court, they get to write a long dissertation on just how pissed off they are.

Guess what guys? So do I. And a nearly unmeasurable fraction of the people who read yours also read mine!

SUCK ON THAT!!!!

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Shit that Pissed me off – 6/19

NRA Board Member Chooses the Occasion of a Tragic Shooting to Blame the Victims

I could mention a lot of things that piss me off about the latest mass shooting in Charleston.

I’m pissed that in spite of the fact the killer is a self admitted racist, there are lots of people who insist that this wasn’t about race.

I’m pissed because South Carolina still flies the Confederate flag at its state capitol and state leaders continually try to pretend there are no racist connotations that can be associated with that flag.

Flying these two flags together kind of misses the point.

Flying these two flags together kind of misses the point.

And I’m pissed because every time there is a mass shooting, some pro-gun nuts find ways to blame it on the victims because they weren’t carrying a gun.

This dude blames one of the victims because he was a legislator who actively campaigned against allowing guns in churches.  As if that is some sort of crazy far left-wing position that made him some sort of fringe politician.

What kind of whacked out liberal would oppose guns in churches?

The NRA solution to gun violence is always MOAR GUNZ! I guess I understand because that’s their solution to everything.

One wonders, though, if just once they could wait until the bodies are in the ground.

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