Dating Advice for Geeks

I was already writing the following post when I read this (which is from March 2011). In the wake of such a well written treatise, what I was writing almost seemed redundant.

Almost.

Given the article above, it seems to be the perfect time to give some advice to you geek boys out there who are interested in dating geek girls and haven’t quite figured out how to do it.

Look, I know that I’m not the best guy in the world to give this advice. I’ve been married for 21 years now and when I was dating, I wasn’t very good at it.

Take my word for it, though, after reading many of the male responses to elevatorgate in which they asked “Hey, if propositioning a woman I hardly know in an elevator makes them uncomfortable, what do you propose I do if I’d like to get laid” I feel that I am at least as qualified as any other guy who was smart enough to know the answer to that question without asking his wife/girlfriend.

A lot of very smart women have answered the question but I know how guys are.  I know you guys out there really need the advice of another guy who understands what women want because, apparently, you don’t trust women to know the answer.  So here goes, guys.  Get ready for some super insightful stuff!

So there you are at a convention.  You aren’t just there to have sex but you are open to the possibility and believe it or not, there are ladies at the convention who feel the same.  What do you need to do?

Step 1 – Ask yourself this question “Have I taken a shower – with soap –  in the last 24 hours?”

If the answer is “no,” go take a shower.  You don’t have a chance if you smell like geek.  Oh sure, there are some ladies out there that like a guy who smells a little bit “ripe” but there aren’t very many of them and if you get involved in a committed relationship with someone who admits they like a little B.O in their lovemaking, good on you.

You are trying to pick up a geek girl at a convention, however, and if she can smell you, she isn’t going to want to sleep with you.  Hell, she doesn’t want to be in the same room with you.  Neither do I.

Step 2 – Assuming you answered “yes” in step one, did you put on deodorant after you showered?

Water alone cannot prevent you from stinking.  Deodorant is your second weapon in the battle against body odor.  I don’t know about you but when I get nervous, I sweat and unless you are a miracle person who somehow doesn’t start to stink when they sweat, you need to do something about it.

‘Cuz you are going to get nervous when you see a girl you like and then you are going to sweat.  If you didn’t put on deodorant, you are screwed.

Figuratively.  Only figuratively.

Step 3 – Don’t hover

You like a girl.  You think she’s attractive and interesting.  You have no idea if she might to be interested in you.

Let me tell you, if you hang around her all night hoping she’ll notice you – she will notice you.  She’s also going to think you are creepy and do everything in her power to ensure you are never alone with her.

See, when a girl surrounds herself with seventeen of her closest friends, you need to understand that it isn’t just because she is a social butterfly.  Those people are armor.  Armor meant to protect her from you.  A girl who is interested in you isn’t going to have a problem spending time with just you.

Try this – if you meet a girl and you seem to be getting on pretty well – leave her alone for a while.  Go do something else.  Then, when she sees you later, see what she does.  Does she come up to you and talk and smile and indicate in very concrete terms that she seems to enjoy your company?  Great!  It doesn’t mean you are going to have convention sex but it does mean she likes you and that is a good start.

If, on the other hand, you follow her around and she always seems to get into conversations with other people, she really wants you to go away.

Unless she is your wife.  In that case, she just figures that you talk all the time anyway.  At lesat that is what my wife always tells me.

Here’s the deal – girls don’t want to feel like the only reason you want to talk to them is because you might get a chance to fondle their boobs.  If you follow them around and stare at their boobs, they know that you have little to no interest in anything about them that is not encased in a bra.  You are making them uncomfortable.  Go away.

Step 4 – No touchy!

You are hanging out somewhere and having a conversation.  There is a girl you don’t know and she has at least acknowledged your presence.  Now, to indicate you are interested, you put your hand on her shoulder.

ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID????

She doesn’t know you.  You don’t know her.  You DO NOT get a girl interested in you with uninvited physical contact.

Now let me be really clear about this – this rule includes hugging.

What, you ask?  Hugging is the great geek right!  You meet someone and you seal your new friendship (or creepy acquaintance) with a hug!

No, you really don’t.  YOU may like to hug.  Most everyone else doesn’t.  It makes them uncomfortable because they don’t know you.

If you think you have a chance with that girl you just met because you hugged her and she hugged back, you are wrong.  She hugged back because she felt trapped in your embrace and she figured if she gave a little hug back, you would let go.

Try this.  Hug someone you really love and who really loves you.  If you have a kid, try it with them.  See what that feels like.  Now walk up to someone in Target and hug them.  If they hug you back, try to note the difference and think back to all the times you’ve hugged someone you barely knew at a convention.  It was a lot closer to the stranger in Target, wasn’t it?

One final note – ditch that “free hugs” sign.  They are overpriced.

Step 5 – No means no

You meet a girl, you get on with her and you feel like she is giving you signals.  You ask her back to your room (in a non-threatening manner) and she says “no thank you.”

Bummer, dude.   At least she was polite.

Don’t look for a double meaning in what she said.  If she doesn’t say something like “look, I really like you but I’m not interested in convention sex – how about we go out on a date after the con” then she didn’t mean that.

 Don’t over think her response, buddy.  She is not interested.  Sorry.

If you get her up to your room and she lets you touch her boobs and then says “no” when the pants come into play, back off.

Look, I know it is hard with that testosterone surging but you are a rational human being and you have the ability to stop.  So stop.

No does not mean “yes” or “maybe later.”  It means cut it the fuck out.

Fail to understand this rule and you will not only never have convention sex, you will probably get kicked out of the convention and (if the justice sytem works) you could go to jail.  No means no.

Step 6 – Have protection

A lot of guys will complain that sex with a condom feels different from sex without one.

This is true.

Let me tell you something else that is true.  Every time I’ve had sex using a condom, I had an orgasm.  It didn’t feel as good as sex without a condom but the point is, I was able to achieve at least one of the main goals of sexual contact and the girl wanted to have sex with me because I had protection.

Which would you prefer – “imperfect” sex because you are using protection or a complete lack of sex?

If you somehow have managed to get this far without creeping the girl out, you should count yourself very lucky.  You are not a total douche, you have good hygiene and you know how to treat women with respect rather than treating them like nothing more than a potential sexual partner.

Good for you.

Don’t fuck it up by failing to respect the fact that she probably doesn’t want to have the baby of some dude she just met.

Step 7 – Don’t brag

If you do, two things will happen.

1)  You will never speak to that girl again.  Maybe you don’t want to but you still need to think about #2 which is…

2)  You will significantly reduce your chances with every other girl at the convention.

Also consider another reason to follow this rule: if you don’t, you are a jackass.

Does doing all of this ensure you will have sex at a convention?  Nope.  What it might do, however, is ensure that even if you don’t get lucky, nobody is going to think you are a creepy stalker.

I’d call that a win.

P.S: I’m sure I’ve missed a few important points.  You ladies are welcome to provide additional advice.  Know, though, that most guys are going to ignore it becuase you are female and what the hell do you know about what you want?