Alphabetical Movie – Intolerable Cruelty

It’s been a slow week of blogging for me.  I’ve got these shows coming up – perhaps you’ve heard of them?

So Intolerable Cruelty is about two people who are so much better looking than everyone else in the world, they could only be destined for each other.  In fact, I think the title refers to the cruelty the Coen Brothers are inflicting on their audience by forcing them to remember they will never be as attractive as George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

I’m not talking sexy.  I’m talking attractive.

The two of them look like works of human art in this film.  It’s like one of the Coen’s (I don’t know which one – maybe Joel) said “hey, let’s make a movie about impossibly beautiful people” and the other one (probably Zeppo) said “sounds good!  What’ll it be about?”

“I dunno,” replied the first, “do you think anyone will care?”

“Good point,” replied the second.

BAM!  Movie!

Clooney and Zeta-Jones parade around for about 90 minutes looking stunning and frequently talking.  What they say is totally irrelevant because they just look so good saying it.

In fact, it is kind of like watching Indiscreet in that way.  They’d make a fine double feature, actually.  All you’d have to is turn off the sound on the TV, get yourself a tub of ice cream and run the movies back to back.

For anyone out there with body issues (male or female) I think that it’d be theraputic.  After a helping of Grant, Zeta-Jones, Clooney and Bergman, you would be forced to come to the conclusion that since you’ll never be that attractive, why bother trying?

At that point, you can crack open another tub of ice cream.

I’m not talking about settling for mediocrity here.  You can still be an 8 or 9 and you will never achieve the Spinal Tap-like levels of attractiveness these two films represent.

The point here isn’t to suggest that we all can’t aspire to better ourselves.  I’m not telling you to toss the treadmill into a landfill.  Heavens no!

I’m just telling you that you could probably spend a little less on product for your hair, guys, because no matter how much get you put in there, it is not going to look as good as Clooney’s hair.

Does he pay hundreds of dollars to have it styled?  Probably.  Still, I like to think that his hair would look just as good if he had it cut at Great Clips because he has the kind of hair you just can’t fuck up.

And Zeta-Jones will never wear a dress that makes her hips look bad.  Such a dress has not yet been invented and if it was, I fear that it could rip a hole in the fabric of space-time if she put it on.

So knowing that, we can all feel better about our own hips.  We can accept that we’ll never be as rich as Warren Buffet or as well-known as Madonna or as messed up as Lindsay Lohan.

Some people go to eleven.  Most of us don’t.  And we should all be OK with that.