Shit that Pissed me off This Week – 1/4

Woman Accused of Scamming People in the Wake of the Newton Massacre

There’s no better way to show compassion for your fellow human beings than by trying to make money off of their misfortune.  In this case, a woman allegedly convinced people to donate money for the funeral of one of the Newton victims but kept the money for herself.

She, of course, denies that she had anything to do with the scam – even though it was run from her own personal gmail account.

Now, let’s be fair.  Her account might have been hacked.

Maybe she got this message on her computer!

That still means some asshole was using her account to profit off of the murder of a bunch of kids.  Who did it isn’t really the point, is it?  Someone decided that they needed money and figured that they’d make it the easy way.

Let’s hope they never find themselves in need of real charity.

The Internet Labels a Guy a Domestic Abuser Because he has the Same Name as a Guy Who is A Domestic Abuser

So, to be clear here, I’m not linking to the site of domestic abuser.  Rather, I’m linking to a blog that belongs to a guy who was labeled a domestic abuser by gossip bloggers who had no interest in doing any reasearch.

They did a name search, got this guy’s picture and proceeded to assume that he was the right guy.  Now in some circles, that would be considered pretty shoddy journalism.  Fortunately, you don’t need to be a journalist to write a blog on the internet.  In fact, that seems to be actively discouraged.

Hell, I’m not a journalist.  I’m a comedian.  I’m just trying to find a way to make stuff funny.

And yet, when I’m reading an article that I’m considering using for this column, I tend to look for corroborating information before I post a response to a story.  I also read the entire article because often the headline is more alarming than the story.

I realize I don’t need to have any integrity because I’m just joking around here.  The fact I have more integrity than the people who went after this guy is evidence that those of us who are using this series of tubes could benefit from using more than one of them.

Folks Take a Moment to Pause After a Brutal Rape and Murder to Blame the Victim

It is important that women are constantly reminded that rape is their fault.  Us guys literally cannot stop ourselves.

In this case, it was even suggested that the victim would be alive if she hadn’t resisted.  Not only was it her fault she got raped in the first place, she wouldn’t be dead if not for her own selfish actions.  Her rapist had no choice but to kill her.  What other options did he have?

Kind of makes you feel sorry for the guy, doesn’t it?

I’m sure the ladies have just as much difficulty keeping themselves from raping a guy who looks like this.

The same way we all felt sorry for Saddam Hussein when he was found hiding out in a hole.  The same way we felt sorry for Osama Bin Laden when Seal team 6 took him out.

Oh wait, we didn’t feel sorry for them at all.  After all, they were just mass murderers.  They didn’t rape anyone.

Douchebags on Airplanes are Impatient

OK, look, we all know there are only a couple of bathrooms at the back of the plane.  We also know that once the captain turns off the seat belt sign, a lot of folks are going to make for them.

Which means that person in the bathroom who is taking a while knows you are waiting. They aren’t taking a long time to be a dick.  They are taking a long time because they can’t do it any faster.  So when you knock on the door to indicate you’d like them to hurry up, you aren’t helping.

You are being an asshole.

How about you just cool your jets and figure that the next time you have to take an extra long crap, I won’t pound on the door either, OK?

Grover Norquist Gives Republicans Permission to Raise Taxes by Claming they Actually cut Taxes

In one of the greatest examples of doublespeak ever, Norquist says that the Republicans who voted in favor of the tax package to stave off the fiscal cliff didn’t actually break their pledge to never raise taxes because taxes went up on January 1st.  If they’d voted on the 31st, they would have been raising taxes and that would have been unacceptable.

But 24 hours later, it was all OK.  Because they were lowering the taxes that just went up!!!

Norquist, who has far too much power over the Republican party, seems willing to abandon his principles as long as it means he keeps enough lawmakers in his pocket.

What the hey? We’re all friends here!

Let’s be clear, I think that pledges of any type are the antitheses of serving the people.  To anyone who represents me (whether I voted for you or not), your job is to think for yourself and make the right decisions for your constituents.  Your job is not to sign a pledge by one guy who is not your constituent and then hold fast to it when reality suggests it might be handy if you could be just a little bit more flexible.

I don’t want you to sign a pledge saying you’ll support gay marriage either, even though I think you should.  I just want you to support it because it is the right thing to do.

In other words, you should all stop signing pledges that lobbyists put in front of your face and do your fucking job.

Saudi Religious Leader Calls for the Gang Rape of Syrian Women

You know, because guys can’t control their urges and besides, it isn’t as if they are going to be raping Saudi women.  In classic crazy religious leader doublespeak, he calls them “intercourse marriages.”  As long as the girl is 14 years old, it’s all good!

And given the way Islam treats women and especially rape victims, these women will be shunned and shamed because it was their own fault.  If they hadn’t been women, they would never have brought this on themselves.

Here’s where I run into problems with the “religion gives humans a moral compass” argument.  Aside from the deranged people who agree with this guy, can’t we all agree that what he is advocating is immoral?  How has religion turned him (or the people who listen to him) into a moral human being?

I’m not bashing on Islam alone, mind you.  Every religion is filled with people who engage in immoral behavior while arguing that I lack a moral compass.

And let’s also keep this in mind – while this guy has no problem advocating for “intercourse marriages” that last “a few hours” so everyone can get a turn, gay marriage would still be an abomination in the face of god.

Hypocrisy has no country.

Violence Against Women Act Allowed to Lapse Because of the Gays

While congress avoided dealing with the most difficult parts of the fiscal cliff, they also failed to re-up the Violence Against Women Act because Eric Cantor and his buddies in the house didn’t like the provisions for lesbian and trans-gender women.

There was also some stuff about Native American women they didn’t like.  Apparently, tribes wanted the right to prosecute someone who rapes a Native American even if that person isn’t a Native American.  I guess that isn’t OK because national sovereignty and white guys wouldn’t get a fair shake and blah blah blah.

‘Cuz we white people have always done a good job handing out justice to the Indians.

So they let the legislation lapse.

Since when is this compromise?  They didn’t like 1% of the bill so they killed the whole thing.

Well done, guys.  We’re all proud of you!

Hackers Produce Evidence for a Town More concerned about Football than Protecting it’s Teenagers from Rape

Sorry about how it’s turning into rape week, folks.  Can’t be helped.  Too many different people being douchebags about rape.

This assault happened in August but it is about to go to trial and the rape apologists are crawling out of the woodwork.

In this case, we have a young woman who was drugged, repeatedly raped while unconscious and then left for dead at her parents’ house.  You would think everyone in town would be screaming for the heads of these two budding sociopaths.

Sorry, wrong.  They are football players and their team regularly plays for a state championship.  What do you do when that happens?

You blame the victim!  You claim she is lying!  You say she is trying to sabotage the team by letting herself be raped!

The last thing you want to do is blame the guys who did it.  Even when presented with a video featuring one of their friends bragging and laughing about it.

Just remember, in the US, you are innocent until proven guilty.  Unless you are a rape victim.  Then you are guilty.

House Republicans Wants the American Public to be Aware that they Really Fucking Hate Obamacare

I get it.  House Republicans hate Obamacare hard.

They hate it so hard, in fact, that Michele Bachmann’s latest bill to repeal Obamacare will represent the 34th time the House has voted to repeal Obamacare in just under two years.  None of these votes has resulted in action on the senate floor and it won’t until the Senate is controlled by Republicans.

So that means that the House is putting off hurricane relief to re-state what they have successfully stated 33 times already.  They fucking hate Obamacare.

Probably because of this.

Message sent.  Now how can we send Michele a message that they don’t need to vote on this shit again for at least another two years?

Christian Right Group Makes Dire Predictions for 50 Years from Now

Among other things, they believe that within 50 years, we will have had a Muslim president.

Somehow, going from one representative to President of the United States is going to happen in fifty years.  What really surprises me is that they don’t think we’ve already had one.

I should be flattered, I suppose.  They are more afraid of a Muslim President than an Atheist one.

They also believe that in the next 50 years, children will become wards of the state.  I think this is because they are afraid of socialism?  Or is it some other form of government that doesn’t actually exist?  The point is that if Christianity doesn’t save America, America will take your children.

Here’s my prediction for fifty years from now:  If this group is still around, none of their predictions will have come true and they will claim that it is all because of them. Then they will make a new set of predictions and the thousands of paranoid idiots on their mailing list will send them money.

Honestly, I think my prediction is both more accurate and more depressing than theirs.