Alphabetical Movie – Labyrinth

I’m putting it right out front – I don’t want to hate on David Bowie, OK?  I love David Bowie.

I love his music.  I had Changesoneboowie on vinyl! When he appeared on the Bing Crosby Christmas special to sing that messed up version of Little Drummer boy, I was excited about it because David Bowie was singing with some old pipe smoking dude with an annoying voice!

Thing is, I understand that a lot of folks are pretty excited by Mr. Bowie’s package in Labyrinth and I’ll admit, that package is pretty impressive.  The hair (wig) is also pretty impressive.

That wig looks a bit too much like a mullet for my tastes but for a lot of folks, David Bowie in a mullet is pretty damned attractive.  Got it.

But look, we’re all friends here so I can ask this – has anybody watched Bowie in this movie?  I mean watched him?  Without being distracted by the mullet and the package?

I know you can’t see my package but what do you think of my hair?

Specifically, have you watched the guy dance?  He’s the worst dancer ever. I mean, I thought I was a bad dancer (and I am) but Bowie is  awful.  He jerks around in a fashion that is reminiscent of that girl being dragged around the water at the beginning of Jaws which, for the record, was not sexy.

Here’s “Dance Magic Dance” from the film.  Exhibit A hits right about at the 30 second mark.

What is he doing there?

I mean Bowie is a fucking rock star! I guess I thought that glam rockers could dance.

Maybe the rest of them can but he sure can’t.

I went to Bowie’s Glass Spider tour in 1987 and it was one of those shows that was supposed to be an amazing show.  Bowie had a bunch of dancers who were performing with him in support of an album (Never Let Me Down) that was, as I think on it now, filled with songs I’ve never wanted to hear again.  I didn’t notice Bowie’s crappy dancing in that show.

It couldn’t have been because I was distracted by his package.  I was in the balcony of the metrodome and so far away from Bowie that even the jumbo video screens couldn’t fully convince me it was actually him.

I think I failed to notice his dancing because the choreography for the dancers on the stage was hideously bad.  I mean, Debbie Allen probably dreamed of choreographing this kind of thing for an oscar telecast.

As I think back on it now, though, I think that the dancers were that awful so they could make Bowie look good.  There was one dude I remember who was dressed like a mummy and he shambled about the stage.  I seem to recall he had a crutch at one point.  Thing is, that dude jerked around the stage in almost the exact same way that Bowie jerks around in Labyrinth.  Coincidence?

The dude in the back on the left! I knew I wasn’t making him up!  Also, please note the mullet on Bowie.  No much of a package, though.

I would think it takes skill for a good dancer to dance that badly.  I’m actually pretty impressed.

Doesn’t mean I enjoyed it, though.

Glass Spider tour notwithstanding, I really like David Bowie.  I like him in Labyrinth.  Mullet and all.

But man.  That guy can’t dance.