Alphabetical Movie – Lilo & Stitch
As a fan of the Disney theme parks, I have a bone to pick with Lilo & Stitch. Actually, it’s really just Stitch.
See, Stich has become the most popular Disney character who isn’t named named Mickey. He might actually be more popular than Mickey Mouse but you won’t find anyone at Disney who will admit that out loud.
Because of his popularity, Disney is always on the lookout for more ways to make money of off the little blue guy. They can only sell so many mouse ears, I guess. They have to peddle something else.
The result is an effort to find more places to plug in Stitch. So they plugged him in where he didn’t belong. It isn’t his fault, really. I still blame him, though.
See, in Tomorrowland, they used to have a ride called the “ExtraTERROREestrial Alien Encounter” and it kicked holy ass. I’m not saying it was Space Mountain good because that would be crazy talk.
It was pretty close, though.
Basically what happened is you got told you were going to see a demonstration of teleporter technology. They are going to teleport a cute little alien across the solar system and back again and we are the lucky VIP’s who get to watch. Then things go horribly wrong and they transport an alien that bears an all too discomforting resemblance to something by H.R. Giger into the teleportation tube. Not to worry, we are told, the teleportation tube is unbreakable.
The alien seems perturbed.
Then the lights go out. And we hear the sounds of something that sounds a lot like an “unbreakable” teleportation tube being broken.
You can know the whole thing is smoke (a lot of smoke) and mirrors but when you feel that alien’s hot breath on the back of your neck, it has a tendency to freak you out a little bit.
And then when a couple of guys try to rescue you and you hear screams, cracking bone and get warm water sprayed in your face, you aren’t likely to just laugh it off and say “it’s just water. It’s not blood.”
You start screaming “holy fuck! Disney just sprayed me with blood! This is awesome!”
If you are thinking that this doesn’t sound like your typical Disney attraction, you’re right. I wouldn’t have taken either of my kids on it. It would have scared the piss out of them. I have to assume whoever upgraded the thing from the outdated “Mission to Mars” attraction lost their job because kids were leaving the Magic Kingdom screaming.
The fact it didn’t belong in Disney World is one of the things that made it so damned perfect.
And then Stich came along. And there needed to be a ride that featured him.
The first thing that occurred to Disney was that they could just re-purpose a ride they’d already repurposed twice before. The Alien Encounter had once been “Mission to Mars” and before that it had been “Flight to the Moon.”
So they decided to give it a fresh coat of paint and turn that scary as fuck alien into Stich.
Oh, the lights still go out, sure. But instead of warm blood sprayed on your face, Stich drools on you.
You get a foul-smelling chili dog belch. Ha ha!
The kids love it. Instead of being scary, it’s just gross.
And that is fine, I guess, because Disney World is supposed to be for kids. More specifically, it is supposed to be a place were adults can spend unbelievable sums of money on their kids.
The kids just weren’t asking for the plush alien toys. They sure as heck want the plush Stiches, though.
I sure do miss that ride, though. It was one of the few attractions in the parks that was clearly made for adults. I suppose I’m just being selfish.
Maybe so. But I still think Stich should have gotten his own ride instead of taking over mine.