Michael Sam – The Gayest Football Player Ever!
You may have missed it this week but Michael Sam, a strong prospect for the NFL draft, has announced that he is gay. Much speculation surrounds how likely this announcement will be to help or hurt his prospects when teams start selecting players in April.
The question we should really be asking is this: which team is the best team for an openly gay man to join? I think we should carefully analyze the 32 teams in the National Football League to figure out the best fit for Mr. Sam.
Arizona Cardinals – Arizona is filled with Saguaro cacti. They look like giant spiky penises. It also has the Grand Canyon, which is a little like a giant vagina. Clearly the state is far too heterosexual to handle a guy like Sam.
Atlanta Falcons- If they couldn’t handle the bad publicity that came with having a quarterback who killed dogs and buried them in his yard, I don’t think they could handle the pressure cooker of having an opening gay player (which would be so much worse). The Falcons are quitters. Sam isn’t going to quit on his “decision” to be gay so he should keep looking.
Baltimore Ravens – A team built on solid defense. That means all the homophobic guys in the locker room would be well equipped to fight off the unwelcome advances of a gay teammate who would obviously only be entering the NFL to pick up totally ripped boyfriend. He can do better.
Buffalo Bills – Same sex marriage is legal in New York so that’s a plus. Also, the Bills have been so bad for so long, they would probably like to have him around so some national media would pay attention to them for a while.
Carolina Panthers – Panthers means a solid Sigfried and Roy connection. Definitely a strong possibility.
Chicago Bears – A team of Bears? That’s about as gay friendly as it gets!
Cincinnati Bengals – Bengals are Tigers. Mary Jane calls Peter Parker “Tiger.” I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just like Spider-Man.
Cleveland Browns – I hate to be stereotypical here but have you seen those plain orange helmets? Plain Orange Helmets. They aren’t even Brown. This team is clearly not stylish enough.
Dallas Cowboys – Any team named after an occupation featured in the Village People is automatically a prospect, right?
Denver Broncos – What do you wear to ride a bronco? Chaps!
Detroit Lions – Detroit is in really pathetic shape right now. The city, I mean. If they have an openly gay football player, I think it provides them with a great opportunity to bring in “Queer Eye for the Straight City.” Seems like a win-win.
Green Bay Packers – Too obvious.
Houston Texans – Anybody who has seen that bull on their helmet knows this team is very pro-gay. That bull is obviously playing for the other team.
Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis is known for one thing. The Indianapolis 500. If there is a straighter sport than auto racing, I don’t know what it would be. Bad choice.
Jacksonville Jaguars – I can’t come up with a cogent argument for why any player would want to be on this team.
Kansas City Chiefs – Based on the aforementioned “Village People Rule,” this team would be a good choice.
Miami Dolphins – The Birdcage was set in Miami. That should be good enough.
Minnesota Vikings – Legal same-sex marriage is a plus. Spending the next two years playing in a college stadium is a minus. Also, it’s the Vikings. No.
New England Patriots – The word “Patriot” is an inherently Republican word. They throw it around like Jarts at a family barbecue. Being openly gay in the Republican Party is like being openly 20 years old in gymnastics. They know you exist but they don’t give you a second thought.
New Orleans Saints – As an openly gay man, it is best to avoid any team with a name that references Catholicism.
New York Giants – New York fans don’t give a crap about your sexuality. They think you suck whether your team finishes 6-10 or wins the Super Bowl. All he wants it to be treated fairly so this team seems perfect.
New York Jets – A Jet is a giant phallic symbol. I’d say this team would be a slam dunk.
Oakland Raiders – This city is across the bay from San Francisco. Why would he want to be across the bay from San Francisco?
Philadelphia Eagles – Unlike Atlanta, which couldn’t handle the “Michael Vick is an asshole who kills dogs” circus, the Eagles were totally cool with the whole thing. The can take truckloads of media asking them what the hell they were thinking so I’m sure they could handle any media drafting Sam would bring.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Anybody who has seen The Simpsons knows that this team is clearly a great fit.
Saint Louis Rams – If the Packers were too obvious…
San Diego Chargers – This could be a football team or some sort of BDSM device. I guess it all depends on what kind of stuff Sam is into.
San Francisco 49ers – Well sure. I mean if he wants to go with the city all the gay football players are going to pick.
Seattle Seahawks – Hey Seattle! You just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next? DRAFT AN OPENLY GAY PLAYER! Yeah. I can see it.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Every pirate ship needs a cabin boy…
…Yeah. Sorry about that one.
Tennessee Titans – It all depends on what the word “Titan” refers to? Right?
Washington Redskins – Given the team has a racist name already, I’d say that the locker room is filled with guys who are use to throwing offensive epithets around. Also, they have one of the worst owners in professional sports. He’d probably think it was a good idea to take the heat off by changing the team name to the Washington Faggots because he’d think it wouldn’t offend as many people. If you had to pick the worst possible option, this would be the one.
So there you go. Sam seems to have a lot of good options come the April draft.