Today the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will be handing out the Oscars to the actors, directors, producers and technicians who managed to score the most votes in a variety of categories. At home, non professionals like me will be spending most of the evening trying to figure out the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing and looking up plot synopses for the movies we haven’t heard of (which is pretty much all of them).
Who will win? I don’t really care and neither do you. So I’m not going to predict the winners of this year’s ceremony. Instead, I’m going to make some other, more daring predictions:
At least three jokes will be made about the fact Meryl Streep gets nominated all the time. At least one of those jokes will be structured as follows: “But Hollywood didn’t produce all great films this year. We all know that (some crappy film) failed to connect with audiences this year. That didn’t stop Meryl Streep from getting nominated for her performance as a crippled dog trainer with a crack cocaine addiction.”
After these jokes are made, the camera will cut to Streep laughing approvingly and clapping her hands in order to avoid every other actress in the auditorium mouthing the words “I hate her so much.”
Caving to internet pressure, every musician brought in to sing their Oscar nominated song will, instead, sing their version of “Let it Go” from Frozen. The version by U2 will be reach top ten on the Billboard 100 in less than two weeks.
After scenes are shown from 12 Years a Slave, the cameras will surgically locate all six black actors/actresses in the audience. All of them will look very serious while the white actors around them will clap supportively.
At least one major city will suffer a major water shortage during the award for Best Documentary Short when everyone takes a bathroom break and flushes their toilets at the same time.
The montage honoring all the movie luminaries who died in the last year will omit someone really important and include Mickey Rooney because the producers of the show were acting on a hunch.
Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch will present one of the awards. Cumberbatch will deduce the winner before Freeman can open the envelope and he will comically blurt it out at the worst possible moment.
To balance all the gay friendly talk from the liberal Hollywood machine, Adam Baldwin and Victoria Jackson will be tapped to present an award. They will engage in awkwardly written comic banter about how they hate gay actors but love the roles they play.
Roger Deakins will once again fail to win an Academy Award for cinematography. Those of us who know who Deakins is and why that is a travesty will be pelted with Cheetos until we shut up about it.
At least one of the following words will be used to describe all of the Best Picture nominees: soaring, epic, thoughtful, ambitious, brilliant, touching and surprising.
Robert Downey Jr will go off script during his presentation speech and nobody will care.
At least one winner will fail to thank their spouse, sparking tweeted rumors of a breakup within 15 seconds.
Ellen Degeneres’ monologue will make reference to the fact she is the only openly homosexual host of the Oscar telecast. That statement will be followed up by “…unless you count Jack Benny.”
The jokes about how long the telecast is running will start no later than 45 minutes into the show.
A fight will break out in the balcony over who doing a better job rocking their tuxedo – Samuel L Jackson or George Clooney.
12 Years a Slave will win Best Picture, making it really awkward when the Martin Scorsese hired, underwear clad marching band enters the auditorium a moment after the winner is announced. The network will have no choice but to rapidly cut the show short with a re-run of M*A*S*H.
So there you have it! Will I be right or will I be wrong? We’ll find out tonight!