Brains Anonymous

Friday night was Big Fun Radio Funtime and I wrote a script for the show about a Zombie AA meeting.  I think it turned out quite well so for today’s comedy blog, I’m presenting the slightly edited script for your amusement.

Bob: OK, we’re just about ready to start. Can everyone have a seat? Great. Thanks everyone. Before we start, I just wanted to give a big shout out to Carrie for bringing the snacks and coffee. Thanks Carrie!

Bob: OK, so, welcome to BA. I’m Bob and I’m a zombie.

Group: Hi, Bob!

Bob: It’s been three years since my last brain. A little bit of personal history – I’m a fast undead zombie. I died just a couple of days before the mysterious event that caused us to rise from our graves to terrorize the living.  That means I’m still pretty fresh, as zombies go.

At first, I ate brains because all the other zombies were doing it. It just seemed like a way to fit in. But eventually, I found that I’d grown dependent on brains even though I was dead so I didn’t actually require any food to survive.

So why was I obsessed with the brains of the living? It just didn’t make sense. I finally realized that I had to stop.

Just like all of you, I’m tempted every time I see the living but I’m taking it day by day and trying to remind myself that it isn’t the brains that I love, it’s the feeling I get when I’m eating them.  Thanks for listening.

Group: Thanks, Bob.

Bob: Now, does anyone have anything they would like to share this evening?

Carrie: I would!

Bob: Great, Carrie! Come on up!

Carrie: Thanks everyone. Hi, I’m Carrie and I’m a zombie.

Group: Hi, Carrie!

Carrie: It’s been about eight months since my last brain. I’m what they call a “Rage” Zombie because I became a zombie through a fast acting virus that turned me into a bloodthirsty maniac who craved nothing but brains. The first few days were a rush, I have to say. I’ve never felt so alive.

What they don’t tell you, though, is that it’s a virus and, you know, your immune system still works. So after a few days, my fever broke and I wasn’t feeling all that angry any more. There were some lingering side effects, though. I mean, I still get…..frustrated every once in a while.

Like really frustrated. Like punching the wall until all of the bones in my fingers break frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get hungry and brains just calm me down, you know?

Greg: Braaaaaains!

Carrie: Exactly! I mean, I don’t enjoy slaughtering someone by tearing open their skull so I can devour their sweet sweet brains while they are still alive and screaming for mercy, but I love eating the brains.

Greg: Braaaaaaaaains!

Bob: Hey, can someone get Greg some coffee?

Greg: Cofffffeeeeeee!

Carrie: I finally realized, though, the amount of damage I was doing to others when I was feeding my addiction. So I quit cold turkey. And it’s hard. Especially when I get frustrated. I just focus on the steps, you know? I can’t really make amends with those I’ve harmed because they’re…..dead….

But I do what I can. I volunteer at Habitat For What’s Left of Humanity. And I’m dating a living boy now. He’s immune to the virus, he can deal with my mood swings, and I don’t want my addiction to ruin that.

Bob: Thanks Carrie. We’ve all been there, right? Who wants to go next?

Greg: Nexxxxxxtttttt!

Bob: Great Greg. Come on up.  Oh sorry, Greg! I forgot that you don’t have any legs! You can stay at your chair if you want.

Greg: Uuuuuused toooo ittttttt!

Bob: OK, well can someone get him a foot stool or um…that was insensitive…sorry Greg…

Greg: OOOOO KKKKKKK!!!!

Bob: I’ll just hold the mic next to your mouth, OK?

Greg: Greeeeeegggg! Slooow Undeaaaaaad Zommmmmbie!

Group: Hi, Greg!

Greg: Looooove braiiiiins!

Carrie: I hear you Greg!

Greg: Stopppped eeeeeeaaaating braiiiiins!

Group: Thanks, Greg!

Bob: That was great Greg. You are such an inspiration to all of us! I see we have a few new people with us. Would anyone like to share?

Dracula: I’ll go!

Bob: Come on up!

Dracula: Thank you! Hi, I’m Count Dracula.

Group: Hi, Dracula!

Dracula: And I’m a vampire.

Bob: Oh boy, I’m sorry Dracula, this is brains anonymous. Blood anonymous meets on Tuesdays.

Dracula: Oh, really? I’m so sorry about that. I’ll just turn into a bat and leave.

Bob: No, no! You’re welcome to stay! Have some coffee!

Dracula: Do you have decaf?

Bob: Yeah. The red-topped one.

Dracula: Great! Thanks!

Bob: OK, so anyone else?

Sheila: I’ll go!

Bob: OK, great!

Sheila: Hi, I’m Sheila and I’m a zombie

Group: Hi, Sheila!

Sheila: It’s only been about twelve hours my last brain. I just decided to come here this morning because I sort of hit rock bottom. I was barricaded in an office building with my co-workers but nobody noticed I’d been bit. Isn’t that how it always is with the living?

Anyway, once I died from the infection, I rose from the dead to feast on the flesh of the living. Brains, specifically. Standard stuff, really. I picked off my former co-workers one by one but I still wanted more.

Greg: More braiiiiiiins!

Bob: Carrie, can you give Greg a cookie?

Carrie:  NO! YOU GO TO HELL! I’LL KILL YOU AND RIP YOU TO PIECES!!!!  Oh…wow! Sorry about that. Sure! I’ll get one!

Greg: Coooookieeeeee!

Sheila: So after a while the living were getting pretty scarce and I hit on the idea of eating brains of other animals. I figured I used to love steak, right? So why not eat the brains of cattle, right? And I liked chicken so how about some chicken brains? And I used to like cat videos, so . . .

Group: No!

Sheila: ….Yeah. I can’t tell you how much self-pity I felt when I was shambling after kittens in the alley and somehow catching up to them even though they can run about 30 miles per hour and my top speed is around 1. I’d grab one of them and bite through their skull while the tears were running down my face and I finally began to wonder “what have I become?”

Dracula: My god! This is just sick!

Bob: Now Count, we aren’t here to judge each other.

Sheila: No, he’s right. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. So last night, I don’t know how but I ended up in a pet store…I swear I just wanted to try some cockatiel…but I got carried away a little bit.

I guess I must have blacked out because I woke up surrounded by every animal in the store. Snakes, mice, guppies, crickets. Everything. Everything except the cockatiel for some reason. I realized that I needed some help. So here I am.

Group: Thanks, Sheila…

Bob: Wow, Sheila. That’s a powerful story. You need to remember that we’ve all been there.

Carrie: Oh my god, no we haven’t!

Bob: Well I mean that we’ve all felt those cravings…

Carrie: For human brains, sure! I mean that makes some sort of logical sense. But kittens? I think I’m going to be sick.

Bob: Remember, we aren’t going to play the blame game, everyone.

Greg: Groooooooossssss!

Bob: Now, shut up, Greg!

Dracula: I don’t believe you zombies! I just put a couple puncture wounds in a victim’s neck in a vaguely sexual manner. What’s sexual about slaughtering an entire pet store?

Bob: Now look, just because we have different addictions doesn’t mean we can’t understand one another…

Dracula: I don’t have an addiction! I have to drink blood! It is literally the only food I can digest! I’m just trying to cut back a little bit. Maybe just a pint or two at a time. You zombies don’t need to eat brains. You just love to eat brains.

Greg: Whooaaaaa! Harrrrrrsh!

Carrie: I’m getting very frustrated right now.

Bob: Wow, that is a very judgmental thing to say, Dracula. Can you soften your words?

Dracula: I’d soften my words but if I did, Sheila will probably think they were a kitten!

Sheila: Hey!

Bob: I think we all need to calm down here and..

Carrie: I’M NOT CALM! I’M FRUSTRATED! VERY VERY FRUSTRATED!

Greg: Oooooo nooooo! Last Time Carrrrie like thisssss…

Bob: She ate the janitor’s brain. I know.

Dracula: That figures. No wonder this place is such a mess.

Carrie: IT’S A MESS BECAUSE IT’S THE APOCALYPSE, YOU IDIOT! YOU EVER HEARD OF A CLEAN APOCALYPSE?

Bob: Calm down, Carrie! You don’t want to eat that boyfriend of yours, do you?

Carrie: NEED BRAINS! CAN’T CALM DOWN WITHOUT BRAINS! HEY! GUESS WHO HAS A BRAIN?!

Shiela: I think I know who you mean.

Dracula: Why is everyone looking at me? Wait a minute, wait a minute! I’m undead! Like you! We’re on the same side.

Bob: You know, an undead brain isn’t the same as a living brain so that means it’s….

Greg: Guillllllt freeeeeeeee!

Carrie: LET ME AT HIM! I SAW HIM FIRST!

Dracula: No! Stay away from me! I’m over a thousand years old! AAAAAAAAA!

Bob: Make some room for Greg guys, he doesn’t have any legs, remember?

Greg: Nommmm nommmm nommmmm!

————————————————————————————-

Carrie: Oh my god that was the best brain I’ve ever had! I don’t think I could ever enjoy a living brain again.

Sheila: Me either!

Carrie: Wait a minute! We didn’t stake him, right?

Sheila: That means his brain will probably grow back! Or something. I’ve never really understood how vampires worked.

Greg: Meeeeeee eeeeeeeeitherrrrrr

Dracula: pained groan

Bob: All in favor of moving our meetings to Tuesday night?

Group: Aye!