A Plompf Of Cats
My family owns four cats.
After about ten minutes of research on the internet, I have determined that we are not crazy cat people. In order to qualify as crazy cat people, we would need to have reached at least double digit cat ownership. We are no fewer than six cats short of crazy cat person status.
We do own one more cat than the city we call home allows. You are permitted up to three dogs and three cats. Four cats, however, is excessive and you must be stopped. To ensure that our children will not have to deal with the trauma of police bashing down our doors and forcibly removing one of our cats, I am keeping our city of residence a closely guarded secret.
My wife, who frequently takes an afternoon nap, spends a lot more time with the cats than I do. In the afternoon, all four of them can usually be found on the bed. When all four of them are curled up in a single mound of contentment, she has decided to refer to the resulting pile of fur, feet and ears as a “Plompf.” I think this is because it roughly emulates the noise a cat makes when it jumps up onto the bed and flops into position.
I’ve been doing my best to understand the rules Governing a Plompf of cats and I believe I understand them as well as any layman.
Rule #1: A plompf must contain no fewer than four cats. Plompfs of five or higher do exist but you cannot properly construct a plompf with fewer than four cats. Remember, the more cats in your plompf, the more likely you are a crazy cat person.
Rule #2: The cats must all be touching. A single piece of fur is sufficient. If they are not physically connected in some way, a plompf has not been achieved.
Rule #3: If one of the cats is sleeping under the covers but would be connected with the other three cats if she was on top of the covers, it is still considered a legal plompf.
Rule #4: A pile of cats consisting of no more and no less than three cats is a “mini plompf.” Sub rule: two cats sleeping together would not be any sort of plompf. Still cute, though.
Rule #5: A plompf need not be voluntary. If you pick up and cat and place that animal with the other animals, they are still part of a plompf, even if they are participating under protest.
Rule #6: Cat rule #38 is in effect and amplified by a plompf. For those unfamiliar with cat rule #38, it states that a cat will do anything and everything to remain comfortable up to and including putting you to sleep to ensure you don’t move. If a plompf of cats executes this rule, it is permissible to state that you were “plomfed.”
Rule #7: Plompfs are primarily used for sleeping. However, if the plompf of cats decides it is time to clean each other, they have formed a “plompf wash.”
Rule #8: If a plompf deteriorates into a fight, this is referred to as “Plompf Club.” No cat can talk about Plompf Club. Plompf Club is almost always the end result of a plompf wash.
Rule #9: A plompf will never, no matter how hard you try, reform into Voltron.
Rule #10: If a cat is lying a few feet away from a mini plompf, that cat is determined to be “too sexy for this plompf.”
So there you have it. If you have four (or more) cats, I’m sure you will find these rules helpful. Although I’m not sure why.
But remember, if you live in St. Paul, never tell a police officer that your cats were in a plompf. Or they will know.
Oh shit. Hide one of the cats honey!