Alphabetical Movie – Gremlins
Watching Gremlins inspired some talk about rules and our inability to follow them. Let us start with a consideration of the rules that we are given at the beginning of the film when Gizmo is sold to the foolish father of our protagonist.
Rule #1 – Don’t expose them to bright light. It hurts. Sunlight will kill them.
Rule #2 – Don’t get them wet (we can hope that they are self cleaning)
Rule #3 – Don’t feed them after midnight.
We know these rules are going to be broken because why even make a movie where the characters manage to follow the rules that will keep them out of trouble?
Let’s get the obvious “problem with Gremlins” complaint out of the way first.
What does “after midnight” mean? And when does it become “before midnight” again? How do we measure midnight? Is it midnight where weare or midnight Greenwhich Mean Time? Maybe we just shouldn’t feed them at all. Would that solve the problem?
I haven’t any idea but if I had to hazzard a guess I would say….who cares????
Seriously, who cares? You’re all cool with the cute little furry guy who pops out kids when you spill water on him but you want to quibble over what after midnight means?
Let’s say that it means any time after midnight and before dawn where you are. We good?
Point being that we know these rules – however you care to define them – are going to be broken because the rules exist as a plot device to create slimy little goons who are going to make our heroes’ lives hellish.
In thinking about the rules that our protagonists were completely unable to follow, I’ve come up with some other rules. Let’s call these “rules that will make it more likely you will live through a horror movie if, in fact, you find yourself in a horror movie.”
Rule #1 – When an old Chinese guy tells you a rule – any rule – follow it. Seriously, he told you not to get the thing wet. You get it wet. Then, you think the results are so cool that you do it again!!! Old Chinese guys know their shit. Listen to them.
Rule #2 – If you are in a darkened room and you hear strange noises, turn on the light. If you cannot turn on the light do not go in to the room.
Rule #3 – If you are on the second floor of your house and you hear creepy noises on the first floor – call the cops. Then get out of the house by jumping out of the window. A broken leg is better than enduring whatever brutal treatment the serial killer on the first floor has cooked up for you.
Rule #4 – Your choice of weaponry is entirely dependent on the type of horror movie you are in. Baseball/cricket bats are good for slow zombies. Fast zombies not so much. If you are in a slasher film the only effective weapon is virginity. Even then you are probably hosed but your odds did go up.
Rule #5 – If any member of your party suggest that you split up, kill them immediately. They are either working for the creature that is trying to kill you or they are just plain stupid. It is only a matter of time before they end up dead and they are so stupid, they’ll probably take you with them. Best to just get it over with.
Rule #6 – Figure out what location is the most strategically logical location for your nemesis to be located. DO NOT GO THERE.
Rule #7 – Wear practical shoes.
Rule #8 – If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes.
Rule #9 – If at all possible, don’t stand with your back to anything.
Rule #10 – When some freaked out shit starts happening, don’t stand staring at it saying “holy shit! Did you see that?”
There are more rules to be considered. These guidelines will probably keep you alive for at least a couple hours longer than most everyone else. Good luck!