Friday night was Big Fun Radio Funtime and I wrote a script for the show about a Zombie AA meeting. I think it turned out quite well so for today’s comedy blog, I’m presenting the slightly edited script for your amusement.
Bob: OK, we’re just about ready to start. Can everyone have a seat? Great. Thanks everyone. Before we start, I just wanted to give a big shout out to Carrie for bringing the snacks and coffee. Thanks Carrie!
Bob: OK, so, welcome to BA. I’m Bob and I’m a zombie.
Group: Hi, Bob!
Bob: It’s been three years since my last brain. A little bit of personal history – I’m a fast undead zombie. I died just a couple of days before the mysterious event that caused us to rise from our graves to terrorize the living. That means I’m still pretty fresh, as zombies go.
At first, I ate brains because all the other zombies were doing it. It just seemed like a way to fit in. But eventually, I found that I’d grown dependent on brains even though I was dead so I didn’t actually require any food to survive.
So why was I obsessed with the brains of the living? It just didn’t make sense. I finally realized that I had to stop.
Just like all of you, I’m tempted every time I see the living but I’m taking it day by day and trying to remind myself that it isn’t the brains that I love, it’s the feeling I get when I’m eating them. Thanks for listening.
Group: Thanks, Bob.
Bob: Now, does anyone have anything they would like to share this evening?
Carrie: I would!
Bob: Great, Carrie! Come on up!
Carrie: Thanks everyone. Hi, I’m Carrie and I’m a zombie.
Group: Hi, Carrie!
Carrie: It’s been about eight months since my last brain. I’m what they call a “Rage” Zombie because I became a zombie through a fast acting virus that turned me into a bloodthirsty maniac who craved nothing but brains. The first few days were a rush, I have to say. I’ve never felt so alive.
What they don’t tell you, though, is that it’s a virus and, you know, your immune system still works. So after a few days, my fever broke and I wasn’t feeling all that angry any more. There were some lingering side effects, though. I mean, I still get…..frustrated every once in a while.
Like really frustrated. Like punching the wall until all of the bones in my fingers break frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get hungry and brains just calm me down, you know?
Carrie: Exactly! I mean, I don’t enjoy slaughtering someone by tearing open their skull so I can devour their sweet sweet brains while they are still alive and screaming for mercy, but I love eating the brains.
Bob: Hey, can someone get Greg some coffee?