Tag Archive | National Parks

Shit that Pissed Me off – 5/23

I’m on vacation this week so my column will be a bit short.  However, much like last year when I was visiting National Parks for my Spring vacation, the other people in the parks had ample opportunities to piss me off.  So I’ll probably just focus on that.

Use a Trash Bag or Get Out

About twenty years ago, I visited Hawaii Volcanoes National Park with my wife, mom, and brother.  At one stop, we stepped out on to pitch black lava floes that had covered the highway on their way out to the ocean.  In the distance, we could see where an active lava flow was pouring into the Pacific.  It was amazing.

As I walked across that pitch black lava rock, I glanced down and saw a cigarette butt.  And another.  And another.

So I started to pick them up.  By the time I left that part of the park, I’d filled a large plastic bag with trash.

Every time I go to a park, I bring a bag and fill it with trash.  If I’m there for several days, I might fill several bags.  And there is never a shortage of trash.

It took nature millions of years to make this view?  I can ruin it in five seconds!

It took nature millions of years to make this view? I can ruin it in five seconds!

I’m not talking about a hat that blew off in the wind.  I’m talking about candy wrappers, kleenex, and scores of cigarette butts.  Nobody drops a cigarette butt by accident.

If you throw butts on your kitchen floor, that is your business.  I’m not telling you that you can’t smoke in Yellowstone.  I’m telling you that a fumarole isn’t more impressive with your finished Marlboro lying on the side of it.  If you can’t respect that, you should do the rest of us a favor and stay in the car.

Other People Want to Look at That Thing Too, Asshole

Hey, guess what?  If you are at Old Faithful and it is erupting for about 90 seconds and you are sitting on a bench and there are people standing behind you, don’t stand up and block their picture so someone can take a shot of you standing in front of the geyser!

NOT more impressive with a person in front of it.

NOT more impressive with a stranger in front of it.

If you wanted that picture, you should have found a different place to watch the geyser.  Because when you block the view for other people, you are really saying that you don’t give a flying fuck if they want to see the geyser because it’s really just there for your enjoyment.

Not that you are enjoying it because your back is to the fucking geyser.

Stay on the Path or Die

In Yellowstone, the ground around thermal features is quite brittle.  If you walk on it, you could break through and find yourself in water that is near boiling.  There are signs all over the place telling you this fact.

There’s also the simple fact that the ground around these features is made of very soft rock and when you walk on it, you crush it.  Unless you are a complete idiot, you should realize that the terraces at Mammoth hot springs are a lot more impressive than your footprint.


All those people who aren’t on the footpath? They are standing on the edge of an erratic geyser so they can get a great picture just before it erupts and scalds them to death.  At least that is how the scenario plays out in my dreams.

If you need a picture of yourself standing really close to a geyser, try Photoshop.  You will look at that picture a couple of times.  If you cook that leg off, you’ll have something that lasts a lot longer but is that really the souvenir you were looking for?

The Reason There Are Signs Telling You to Stop Being an Idiot is Because a Lot of Other People Have Already Been Idiots

Here’s a picture of a sign with a warning that should not have been necessary.


At the bottom of the sign, you are told that removal of this sign could cause injury to others.  Because they won’t know there is a BEAR nearby.  Probably a mother bear with cubs, given the time of year.  Exactly the kind of creature you don’t want to encounter.

So why do you suppose they have to tell you to leave the sign alone?  Because someone has removed one of them before.

Whoever did it probably thought it was funny.  Won’t it be hilarious if a hiker is mauled by a bear because I took away the sign that might have saved them?

No.  It really won’t.

If Someone is Taking a Picture of Something, Don’t Walk in Front of Them

I’m not a birder specifically but I like to figure out what animals I’m watching.  Frequently, that means I’ll try to take a picture of the bird I’m looking at to identify it later.

For those unfamiliar with birds, a lot of them are fairly skittish and if someone does something like walking in front of a photographer, they’ll fly away.

I think that what most folks at these parks fail to understand is that the park isn’t there for them.  It is there for everyone.

That means when someone is trying to take a picture, you can give them five seconds to get the shot.  How hard is that really?  Unless there is a geyser erupting right now, the odds are you can wait five seconds to look at the next hot spring.  I’m sure it looks really cool because they all look really cool.

Trust me, I’ve taken pictures of every single one of them.

Lame pools

Yes. Even these two.

But those pools don’t change too much in five seconds.  So let me take a picture of a damned bird, OK?

Bear Asses

My family is traveling to Yellowstone National Park in about a month and my mom has been getting a little bit concerned about bears.  Apparently, there are a lot of bears at Yellowstone and she’s worried we may run into one. She’s been reading up on bear spray and assures us we’ll be able to get some as soon as we get to the park.

Actually, I guess you can buy the stuff at 7-11 in that part of the country.

I don’t know why she’s so concerned, to be honest.  When it comes to National Parks and bears, I have the worst luck.

About ten years ago, Pat and I took a trip to Washington DC.  We spent most of our time in the city but for a day trip, we went to Shenandoah National Park.  It was a foggy day and unfortunately, most of the views of the valley were obscured.

As we were driving, Pat suddenly shouted “BEAR” and pointed across the road to where a bear was clearly hanging out waiting to be noticed.  I fumbled with my camera and took one picture:


As you can see, it is a blurry picture of what might be a bear walking back into the forest.  Looks like the butt of a black bear from what I can tell.  I’m sure it was a bear but this picture could be used as proof of Bigfoot about as easily as it could be used as proof of a bear.

That would not be my final failed encounter with a bear in a National Park.

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Shit that Pissed me Off This Week – 7/12

Death Valley Officials Have Asked Tourists to Stop Frying Eggs on Rocks and Pavement

OK, those National Park Rangers just don’t want to let tourists have any fun!  I mean, why are we going to Death Valley National Park if not to engage in science experiments that…don’t work?

Turns out that you can’t just fry an egg on the pavement.  It isn’t quite that hot.  You could do it if you have a frying pan and the video that is inspiring all of this failed egg frying even mentions that it doesn’t work without one but facts are unimportant when you are trying to do science!

Check out the SCIENCE!

Cleaning up after yourself is also, apparently, unimportant.  Better to just leave eggshells and unfried eggs all over the place because you were too stupid to follow directions.

The message here is clear: don’t tell people how to do cool science experiments because they will probably just fuck it up.

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Shit that Pissed me Off This Week – 6/28

Pakistani Actress Gets Acid Thrown on Her Face

Now why did this happen?  It happened because the Taliban in Pakistan are doing this to a lot of women. Their religiously motivated hatred of women is so deep, it is driving them to assault women simply because they are asking for an education.

I don’t dislike Islam any more than I dislike other organized religion but this is a fine example of what bothers about most of them.  On the one hand, they talk about how their treatment of women shows such a high level of respect.

On the other hand.  That is bullshit.

You don’t throw acid on someone because you respect them.  You throw acid on someone because you want to punish them for existing.

I’m just trying to find out on which page of the Koran you can find this picture. I’m sure it’s near the picture of a woman. Ha ha! No it isn’t. No false idols, remember??

The Taliban practice a warped version of Islam.  That is true. Religion is so easily warped already and that is what bothers me. Any religion that suggests women must cover themselves to avoid tempting men (as all the Abrahamic religions do) has created something that can be warped in the most sinister ways.

And yeah, I think I’ll call throwing acid on someone “sinister.”

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Geeks Without God Talks about Nuclear War

Geeks Without GodAs we’ve progressed through our first year recording Geeks Without God, we’ve seen a lot of changes in how we schedule our episodes.  Early on, we did a geeky boner episode every month.  We didn’t do it because we were lazy but we wanted to make sure that we never forgot about the “Geeks” part in “Geeks Without God.”  However, when you do podcasts about stuff like your favorite convention, A fundamentalist Board Game, and Dr. Who, you find that you are covering the “Geeks” pretty well.

But still, it is a lot of fun to just sit down and geek out for a while.  This week’s podcast is one of those.

Geekery is a lot broader than movies or comics or TV shows, though.  We talked about stuff like running a half marathon, playing games on a 3DS and, of course, National Parks.

So enjoy our geeky boners!

Also note: we have a little blurb for Camp Quest Minnesota at the end of the podcast.  They still have openings for their Summer Camp!

Shit that Pissed Me off This Week – 5/24

Florida Teenager Faces Felony Charges for Being a Lesbian

Actually, she isn’t facing felony charges for being a lesbian.  She’s facing felony charges for statutory rape because she was having a consensual relationship with a girl who was 14.  When she was 17, that was (at least according to the articles I’ve read), legal.

But she turned 18.  And her girlfriends’ parents immediately had her arrested.

Update:  Apparently it wasn’t legal when she was 17 because if you are under 16, you can’t have consensual sex with anyone in the State of Florida. It would seem they waited until she was 18 so she could be charged as an adult.  Classy.

And the county prosecutor is going for it.  Because the law is all about protecting the innocent and that fourteen year old  was clearly being corrupted by her girlfriend the second she turned 18.  There is, apparently, no nuance in statutory rape laws that takes the age of the offender into account.  ‘Cuz an eighteen year old may be older than a fourteen year old but she is just as much of a child.

Oh sure, you can hold her hand now. But you’d better let it go before you turn eighteen!

If she had been a boy, I’ll bet this would not have happened.

Hey, you folks who are against same-sex marriage and who still think that you aren’t bigots – don’t you think getting an eighteen year old girl expelled from school and possibly putting her in prison because she’s a lesbian seems just a little bit bigoted?

Update:  There is a lot more nuance to this case. I checked my sources before I posted it but bias is always a risk. I’m still annoyed by any situation that could have a child (and yes – an eighteen year old is still a child) sent to jail for fifteen years because of sexual curiousity.  If there is one thing that scares the piss out of us in this country, it is human sexuality. 

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New Vilification Tennis Podcast

We got a little bit behind on podcasting for Vilification Tennis during the festival season but this weekend I managed to get some folks together to record a new episode.

I managed to get Mark Lazarchic and Bob Alberti to start arguing politics.  Unfortunately, I had to cut them off after about ten minutes but I think the podcast is worth listening to just for that.  There’s also a lot of talk about a lesbian in Hong Kong because that’s the kind of podcast we do.

We also get really in-depth talking about the Renaissance Festival, including a lot of behind the scenes stuff.  I think it turned out to be a good episode in spite of the worst home game rounds ever.