Alphabetical Movie – Magnum Force

The first thing I think about every time I hear the name of this movie is how you can conveniently turn it into a porno version without changing the name.  Actually, you probably wouldn’t have to change the plot all that much.

Harry Ballahan is a tough cop who doesn’t play by the rules.  He and his partner are upset because a gangster beats the rap in court so they double team the court reporter.

At the same time, a cop shows up and kills the gangster and everyone in the car.  Then he goes home and his wife gives him a blow job.

Ballahan goes in to talk to his boss, Lieutenant Bangs, who is having sex with his secretary.  They talk about the murder of the gangster while Bangs is having sex.  Because he can multi task.

Then a couple of female cops have sex.  Just because that sort of thing happens all the time during a murder investigation.

We switch to a gigantic orgy.  For like fifteen minutes.  Just tons of people having sex.  They switch partners.  They don’t use condoms.  It’s just insane.  And strangely boring.

Then the party blows up because it turns out all those people having sex were gangsters.

Ballahan is stumped.  He has no idea who could be killing all of the gangsters in town.  In fact, he delivers this exact line: “Damn!  I have no idea who is killing all the gangsters in town!”  He pounds his fist on the table and takes a swig of beer for emphasis.

So he orders a pizza. For some reason, it takes two women to deliver a pizza.  And Ballahan doesn’t have any cash for a tip…

He goes to a really nice house with a pool in the suburbs to ask some questions.  While he’s on his way, one of the killer cops breaks into a prostitutes room.  She doesn’t have any information for him so they just have sex.  Her pimp breaks in and he shoots the guy while he is still having sex with the prostitute.

The sex scene lasts for another two minutes and the entire time the pimp is lying on the floor dying.  He’s still able to masturbate while watching them have sex.  He ejaculates and then expires.

Ballahan arrives at the house with the pool and there is a beautiful naked woman swimming in the pool.  He asks her if he can ask her a few questions.  She unzips his fly and he says he has no time for that right now.

Literally.  His line is “I have no time for that right now.”

Turns out he does though, because they have sex in the hot tub.

Cut to Ballahan’s partner, who is having sex with his wife.  At least we assume it is his wife because she’s the only other black person in the entire movie.

They have sex for a while and then he goes to the bathroom while she masturbates.  As soon as she finishes, there is an explosion and she screams.  What I mean is there is an explosion in the bathroom.  Like from a bomb.

Cut to Ballahan comforting his partner’s wife (his partner didn’t have a name because he was black).  She tells him that she’s so lonely so they have sex.  She feels a little better.

Then we cut to Lieutenant Bangs office.  Harry tells Bangs that he knows who did it.  Bang says really, who?

Again, that is the exact line.  “I know who did it.”

“Really? who?”

“It’s you Bangs.”

“You’ll never catch me!”

“Like hell I won’t.”

Then Ballahan punches Bangs in the face.  Actually it looks more like he punches Bangs in the shoulder.  But Bangs falls down as if he was punched in the face.

Then the two lesbian cops show up wearing really short skirts, high heels, and shirts unbuttoned to their navels.  He tells them to take Bangs away but they say they have a better idea.

The movie ends with Bangs handcuffed to a chair watching Ballahan having sex with the lesbian cops and complaining that he doesn’t have a hand free to masturbate.

After the credits, there is a credit cookie where the two pizza delivery girls show up.  Ballahan looks at the camera and says “A cop’s work is never done” and we fade to black as the pizza girls start to take off their pants (but not their shoes).

See?  Practically the same movie.