Brains Anonymous
Friday night was Big Fun Radio Funtime and I wrote a script for the show about a Zombie AA meeting. I think it turned out quite well so for today’s comedy blog, I’m presenting the slightly edited script for your amusement.
Bob: OK, we’re just about ready to start. Can everyone have a seat? Great. Thanks everyone. Before we start, I just wanted to give a big shout out to Carrie for bringing the snacks and coffee. Thanks Carrie!
Bob: OK, so, welcome to BA. I’m Bob and I’m a zombie.
Group: Hi, Bob!
Bob: It’s been three years since my last brain. A little bit of personal history – I’m a fast undead zombie. I died just a couple of days before the mysterious event that caused us to rise from our graves to terrorize the living. That means I’m still pretty fresh, as zombies go.
At first, I ate brains because all the other zombies were doing it. It just seemed like a way to fit in. But eventually, I found that I’d grown dependent on brains even though I was dead so I didn’t actually require any food to survive.
So why was I obsessed with the brains of the living? It just didn’t make sense. I finally realized that I had to stop.
Just like all of you, I’m tempted every time I see the living but I’m taking it day by day and trying to remind myself that it isn’t the brains that I love, it’s the feeling I get when I’m eating them. Thanks for listening.
Group: Thanks, Bob.
Bob: Now, does anyone have anything they would like to share this evening?
Carrie: I would!
Bob: Great, Carrie! Come on up!
Carrie: Thanks everyone. Hi, I’m Carrie and I’m a zombie.
Group: Hi, Carrie!
Carrie: It’s been about eight months since my last brain. I’m what they call a “Rage” Zombie because I became a zombie through a fast acting virus that turned me into a bloodthirsty maniac who craved nothing but brains. The first few days were a rush, I have to say. I’ve never felt so alive.
What they don’t tell you, though, is that it’s a virus and, you know, your immune system still works. So after a few days, my fever broke and I wasn’t feeling all that angry any more. There were some lingering side effects, though. I mean, I still get…..frustrated every once in a while.
Like really frustrated. Like punching the wall until all of the bones in my fingers break frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get hungry and brains just calm me down, you know?
Greg: Braaaaaains!
Carrie: Exactly! I mean, I don’t enjoy slaughtering someone by tearing open their skull so I can devour their sweet sweet brains while they are still alive and screaming for mercy, but I love eating the brains.
Greg: Braaaaaaaaains!
Bob: Hey, can someone get Greg some coffee?
Greg: Cofffffeeeeeee!
Shit that Pissed me Off – 3/7
What the Fuck is Wrong With You, Arizona?
So in Phoenix they are detaining sex workers, taking them to a church and then coercing them into joining a (religious) recovery program without access to lawyers. This can be done, I guess, because the workers are technically not under arrest. They will only be under arrest if they don’t join the program.
Clever.
It is so much easier to coerce people when you don’t arrest them first!
Sometimes I think you don’t deserve the Grand Canyon. Especially since there was a time when you would have dammed it and turned it into a big fucking lake if you’d had the chance.
A week after Arizona tries (and fails thanks to one person) to make discrimination against gays extra illegal, this story comes out. It seems that the high heat in the summertime might be adversely affecting some people by making them feel that just because something is legal, it is also moral.
Alphabetical Movie – Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Those who have been following my Alphabetical Movie Blog closely might have noticed that I’m writing about Madagascar 3 without having taken the time to write about the two films that, presumably, preceded it.
Thing is, I don’t own either one of them. The rules of the project clearly dictate that I’m only watching movies I own. It just so happens that the only movie I own in the Madagascar trilogy is the most recent.
I think that the explanation is simple. Here it is:
I don’t own the other two Madagascar films because I think they are OK. And my kids think they are OK. We simply haven’t had any pressing need to pick up a copy of either one of them.
That Circus Afro song, though. That constitutes a “pressing need.”
If you would like me to explain why I cannot get enough of a fifteen second song sung by Chris Rock voicing a polka dotted zebra, I have no words. It is, simply, an absurd moment that fills me with primal glee.
My admission should not be taken as some sort of shame. I’m not the only person who was totally gaga over a fifteen second joke in a 90 minute movie. Once the film was released, they made a new trailer that basically acknowledged the fact there was a subset of their audience that was interested in only one thing.
Because I have kids, I’ve seen most of the “kid” movies in my house multiple times, even if it is just in the background. So it is with this film. I know there are other parts to the movie and yet I can’t remember them because they are eclipsed by a gigantic rainbow colored clown wig.
I love it even though it was the only song my children sang for at least a week after we saw the film on initial release. Generally, that behavior makes me want to find every copy of the song in existence and smash it with a hammer.
Yes, I believe there is a way to smash an iTunes version of a song with a hammer.
But something almost sinister happened with this particular snippet of music. I wanted to sing along with my kids.
Look, there are very few movies that I can recall scene for scene. The best movies have slow points. And movies I love more than anything might get re-watched once a year at most. I may not be able to recall most of Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted but the truth is, I like it enough that I’m willing to watch the rest of the movie for that moment.
It isn’t even that a singing zebra clown is the funniest thing ever featured in an animated film.
But it is silly and absurd and (if you haven’t seen the trailer) unexpected. It stays with you and makes you like the rest of the film just a little bit more.
There are few enough scenes like that in any movie. Don’t judge me for enjoying that scene in this movie.
Geeks Without God Has Another Boner Episode
This week’s Geeks Without God returns to our geeky roots with another geeky boner episode! I love recording these episodes just because the three of us just get to sit and talk about the stuff that has us excited. I hope that they are as fun to listen to as they are to record.
We recorded this one a few weeks back. I talked about my current obsession with “Community.” At the time, I was only about halfway through season number two. I’ve made it a bit further since then. Molly talked about a video game that I would totally play if I had the time.
And Nick got me all excited for the next batch of Marvel movies all over again.
Here’s hoping you get as excited as we did.
Putting it Together – The Fringe Lottery
Putting it Together is my Monday “artist talking about art stuff blog”. The title comes from “Sunday in the Park with George,” the best (and possibly only) musical that is entirely dedicated to an artist talking about his art. Is that pretentious enough?
I sometimes wonder if I got into this game too late. Most of my friends who are successful are in their early to mid 30’s. I spent those years putting together a science fiction convention, which is doing OK.
I graduated from college with a theatre degree, but left theatre behind me to do things like work a regular job, have a couple of kids, start a convention…you know, the normal stuff. I still loved theatre but I guess part of my problem was that I never knew what I wanted to do in theatre.
One thing did happen, though. I started writing sketches for CONvergence and I was pretty good. It is possible that writing parodies of popular culture presents very little challenge. I think it is more likely that I found something that finally re-ignited my interest in the stage.
Oscar Predictions
Today the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will be handing out the Oscars to the actors, directors, producers and technicians who managed to score the most votes in a variety of categories. At home, non professionals like me will be spending most of the evening trying to figure out the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing and looking up plot synopses for the movies we haven’t heard of (which is pretty much all of them).
Who will win? I don’t really care and neither do you. So I’m not going to predict the winners of this year’s ceremony. Instead, I’m going to make some other, more daring predictions:
At least three jokes will be made about the fact Meryl Streep gets nominated all the time. At least one of those jokes will be structured as follows: “But Hollywood didn’t produce all great films this year. We all know that (some crappy film) failed to connect with audiences this year. That didn’t stop Meryl Streep from getting nominated for her performance as a crippled dog trainer with a crack cocaine addiction.”
After these jokes are made, the camera will cut to Streep laughing approvingly and clapping her hands in order to avoid every other actress in the auditorium mouthing the words “I hate her so much.”
Shit That Pissed Me Off – 2/28
Alabama House Committee Approves Prayer in Schools Bill Even Though They Lost the Vote
The bill looks to improve Alabama schools by allowing up to fifteen minutes of organized prayer per day. The believe, apparently, that this will improve children’s test scores more than any other more proven technique. Kids who aren’t Christians are welcome to opt out and deal with ridicule from their peers and teachers. So that’s fair.
In order for this bill to go before the Alabama house, it needed to be approved by committee. It wasn’t.
By voice vote, it was two votes for the bill and three against (with three abstentions). The committee chair claimed that she “heard more yays than nays” and forwarded the bill to the entire House.
Might I suggest she get one of these before the next session?
You would think that her devout Christianity that was on display when she supported a bill to improve schools through prayer would have been on display when she was called on to honestly count the votes.
I guess, though, that she would rather spend state money on defending the inevitable lawsuit coming their way if this bill becomes law.
How, exactly, are Christian values winning out here?
Alphabetical Movie – Lover Come Back
Lover Come Back is a perfect example of 60’s feminism viewed through the lens of Hollywood Producers who were, unfortunately, men.
Which means they had no idea what the hell they were doing.
The story involves a man (Rock Hudson), who is a sexist jackass and a woman (Doris Day) who dislikes him because he’s a sexist jackass. So he behaves like the “perfect man” for her and she falls for him.
Day plays a competent advertising executive and Hudson plays a far less competent one who has the important skill of knowing how to make other guys happy. He doesn’t have to put together the best campaign because he gets his clients drunk and laid.
Fortunately, it’s the sixties so all of his clients are men. His plans work perfectly.
So she’s competent but has to work twice as hard as he does just to get ahead. He’s pretty much a complete tool but is successful because he works in an industry (advertising) where being a tool is a benefit. That’s something we’ve all learned from “Mad Men.”
Geeks Without God Talks Mixed Marriage
This week’s Geeks Without God has our friend Windy Bowlsby hanging out and talking about her marriage to a theist. That was the idea anyway. It turns out that they have everything worked out pretty well. Instead, things ended up talking about all sorts of crazy stuff including the definition of “accepted fan moniker.”
I’ve brought it up several times in the last few months so it seems fair to finally explain what the hell I mean and why I keep bringing it up.
Windy is actually the third member of the CONvergence “founding board” who has been on the podcast. I’m not sure how it happened that most of us are atheist/agnostics as that wasn’t something any of us ever talked about in the early days.
Nor is it something that we talked about with Windy. Maybe I’ll have to bring that up when we have Christopher Jones on next month!
Anyway, enjoy our conversation with Windy!
Putting it Together – Writing All The Time
Putting it Together is my Monday “artist talking about art stuff blog”. The title comes from “Sunday in the Park with George,” the best (and possibly only) musical that is entirely dedicated to an artist talking about his art. Is that pretentious enough?
The secret to becoming better at anything, they tell you, is practice. I don’t know who “they” are but “they” have a point.
If you want to be a better writer, you need to write every day. It feels a little bit like the theory of a million monkeys at a million typewriters except you are one monkey (more like an ape) with one typewriter (laptop computer) and if you type enough, brilliance will accidentally spill all over the page.
Hopefully it won’t be Shakespeare, though. That’s just plagiarism.
One of the things I do every morning is try to write a joke on Twitter. I’m not concerned about favorites or retweets, although they are nice, I’m more concerned about exercising the joke writing muscle every morning. I want to stretch it out and make sure it still works. Some days that joke muscle is nice and loose. Other days it is tight and stubborn.
The trick to writing all the time is to not care if anybody is actually reading what you are writing. Because most people aren’t. Checking the number of hits on your web page or likes on Facebook won’t tell you if you wrote something worth reading. It only tells you if you wrote something people noticed or cared about.
Grail Diary 