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Shit that Pissed me Off – 2/26

John Kasich, the “Moderate” Republican, Just Defunded Planned Parenthood in Ohio

The bill he signed didn’t specifically defund Planned Parenthood. No. That would be too obvious.

It just said public funds will not go to any provider of health services that also provides abortions.  Like – you know – Planned Parenthood.

Don’t worry, though!  The funds that are no longer going to Planned Parenthood (and other abortion providers but mostly Planned Parenthood) will now go to other clinics that provide health services for women, HIV testing, and other services that Planned Parenthood was doing a great job providing.

Republicans like to say that they support women’s health (as John Oliver pointed out this week), but it really feels like it is “the health of women who choose not to terminate their pregnancy.”

You, young lady, are welcome to all the medical assistance you can afford! Because we aren't going to pay for it. That's socialism.

You, young lady, are welcome to all the medical assistance you can afford! Because we aren’t going to pay for it. That’s socialism.

Because if you want to terminate a pregnancy for any reason, your health no longer seems to be a concern. The hate focused squarely on Planned Parenthood (but really it isn’t just Planned Parenthood guys) has everything to do with demonizing an organization that has the balls to perform a legal medical procedure without being ashamed about it.

So while Kasich tries to convince you that he’s a moderate, just remember that he hates Planned Parenthood (seriously – it’s not just Planned Parenthood) just as much as the next Republican Presidential candidate.

He also understands Planned Parenthood just as much as the next Republican Presidential candidate.

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The Lease

ghost-04.jpgWeekly short story post!  This one is very short and began with thinking about ghosts and hauntings.  I don’t believe ghosts are real but I really wish they were.  If I was able to haunt people, I imagine I would do so in a way that is consistent with my current sense of humor.

That, in a nutshell, is where this story came from.

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The Wish List

magic_lamp_312716Another in my short story writing series.  I presented this one at Fearless Lab last night.

I had a different idea for the ending when I originally wrote the piece but I changed it for last night.  I liked the original direction better so I changed the ending back to my original one.  The theme for the show was leap year and that explains where the basic idea came from.

Anyway – if you like or don’t like, feedback is great.  If you read the whole thing – thanks for reading!

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It’s All About That Bass

geddy-lee-net-worth1Yesterday, I was invited to be the featured reader at the Not-So-Silent Planet, a speculative fiction open mic presented by Wordsprout.  I was flattered and, of course, incredibly nervous because I didn’t know what I was going to write and, as always, I had no idea if it was the least bit funny.  

The inspiration for this particular story came from the phrase “I just wish there weren’t so many bass players.”  I don’t know why as I have no particular hatred for bass players.  The phrase just struck me as funny.  Over the course of the day, I managed to find a bunch of words to wrap around that phrase and this is the story that emerged.  Honestly, I think it works better read aloud.

But I liked it.  And I think it worked well.  So I’m putting it out on the internet for people to enjoy or ignore.  Warning: this story does not contain any cats.

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Shit that Didn’t Piss me Off – 9/18

Apologies to regular fans of my Friday blog.  I’m going to do things a little differently today.

I’ve been writing Shit that Pissed me off most Fridays for the last three years.  I enjoy it as an exercise in writing humor and in exploring my opinions about what is happening in the world around me.  Since I’ve started writing the column, it has never coincided with my birthday.

Well this year, it has.

So I decided instead of spending my birthday thinking about stuff that annoys me, I’m going to write about things that make me happy.  I’ll post this week’s shit that pissed me off on Monday. Because even on my birthday, there are things that piss me off.

I begin my 48th year today and in honor of that, here are 48 things that make me happy.

1.  I’ve been married to the same amazing woman for the last 25 1/2 years.  She is brilliant, courageous, thoughtful, sexy, and supportive.  She laughs at some of my jokes.  She listens when I’m in a bad mood.  She corrects me when I’m wrong.  There is not a night that goes by where I am not happy we share a bed, a home, and a life.

2. I’ve got one fantastic mother.  She loves math and has spent her life finding ways to help others love it too. She loves being an amateur artist.  She is a fun travel companion.  Any day I know I’m going to see her is automatically a good day.

3. My oldest son is great.  He’s clever, cheerful, fun, and affectionate.  He grew several inches in the last year and is starting to show signs of facial hair.  Pretty soon, he’s going to learn how to drive and get a job and start looking at colleges.  I’m not sure I’m ready for any of that.

4. My youngest son is wonderfully creative.  The way he builds new Lego structures and describes ideas for new games or parks or dinosaurs shows boundless inventiveness.  His head must be such an interesting place to live.

5. My Brother is full of passion and energy.  He has been remarkably successful in not just the field he has chosen to pursue, but most anything he decides to accomplish.  We have a great relationship hampered only by the distance that separates us.

6. My Sister-in-law has a sharp sense of humor, an infectious positive attitude, and seems like a perfect partner for my brother.

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The Worst Job in the World

I’m going to tell you what I personally think is the worst job in the world.  Perhaps it’s best to call it the job I would have right before I realized I had nothing left to live for.  It’s this job right here:

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What do they call this job?  Sign waver?  Potential target in Death Race 2000? Least valuable member of the team?

I can only assume they give this job to people who suck at making pizza.  And you’d have to really suck at making pizza to be kicked out of a Little Caesars kitchen.

If you suck at making pizza that bad, they put you out on the street and make you wave around a sign so passing motorists will think “man, I haven’t had any cheap, shitty pizza in a while. Sure, I just ate an expensive lunch on my company’s dime but for only $5.00, I can buy a large pizza, eat half a slice and give the rest to my staff.  I’ll look like the most generous guy on the planet!”

While this ploy might work with Donald Trump, I don’t know if it works for anyone else.

So some poor dude is standing out on a corner freezing or baking his ass off for little to no benefit.  At least that’s what it looks like to me.  Maybe Little Caesars sells dozens of extra pizzas every time they send one of these guys out on the street.  Maybe it’s because people think “oh thank god that asshole isn’t making pizza right now.”

It looks like a shitty job to me.  But you know what has occurred to me lately?  There’s a job that sucks just a little bit more.

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Shit that Pissed me off – 7/17

16-Year Old Child of Anti Vaxxers Uses Her Own Money to Get Vaccinated

Good for her, right?  She decided she wasn’t interested in getting the Measles so, of her own free will, she went behind her parent’s backs and solved the problem the way most of us would solve that problem.

The mom is losing her shit because she didn’t consent to the procedure.  Too bad for her they live in Canada and at sixteen, her daughter gets to do whatever the fuck she wants with her own body.

As a parent, I understand that there are certain choices we need to make for our kids until they reach a certain age.  I’ve told my kids that they can get a tattoo if they want but they have to wait until they are 18.  Why?  Because I figure it will give them a little time to think about it before they get a picture of Twilight Sparkle tattooed on their butt.

Nothing against My Little Pony, you understand, I just think this would be a creepy-ass tattoo.

Nothing against My Little Pony, you understand, I just think this would be a creepy-ass tattoo.

If they came to me at 17 and had a good argument, I’d probably tell them it was fine.

Given how my kids respond to pain, this hypothetical conversation is never going to happen.  But I digress.

This pain in the ass mom seems to think that she has some right to control over another person’s body because that body happens to belong to her daughter.

What is she so angry about anyway?  If her daughter develops autism as a result of the vaccines, she is still going to be moving out in a couple of years.

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