Another in my short story writing series. I presented this one at Fearless Lab last night.
I had a different idea for the ending when I originally wrote the piece but I changed it for last night. I liked the original direction better so I changed the ending back to my original one. The theme for the show was leap year and that explains where the basic idea came from.
Anyway – if you like or don’t like, feedback is great. If you read the whole thing – thanks for reading!
Yesterday, I was invited to be the featured reader at the Not-So-Silent Planet, a speculative fiction open mic presented by Wordsprout. I was flattered and, of course, incredibly nervous because I didn’t know what I was going to write and, as always, I had no idea if it was the least bit funny.
The inspiration for this particular story came from the phrase “I just wish there weren’t so many bass players.” I don’t know why as I have no particular hatred for bass players. The phrase just struck me as funny. Over the course of the day, I managed to find a bunch of words to wrap around that phrase and this is the story that emerged. Honestly, I think it works better read aloud.
But I liked it. And I think it worked well. So I’m putting it out on the internet for people to enjoy or ignore. Warning: this story does not contain any cats.
Apologies to regular fans of my Friday blog. I’m going to do things a little differently today.
I’ve been writing Shit that Pissed me off most Fridays for the last three years. I enjoy it as an exercise in writing humor and in exploring my opinions about what is happening in the world around me. Since I’ve started writing the column, it has never coincided with my birthday.
Well this year, it has.
So I decided instead of spending my birthday thinking about stuff that annoys me, I’m going to write about things that make me happy. I’ll post this week’s shit that pissed me off on Monday. Because even on my birthday, there are things that piss me off.
I begin my 48th year today and in honor of that, here are 48 things that make me happy.
1. I’ve been married to the same amazing woman for the last 25 1/2 years. She is brilliant, courageous, thoughtful, sexy, and supportive. She laughs at some of my jokes. She listens when I’m in a bad mood. She corrects me when I’m wrong. There is not a night that goes by where I am not happy we share a bed, a home, and a life.
2. I’ve got one fantastic mother. She loves math and has spent her life finding ways to help others love it too. She loves being an amateur artist. She is a fun travel companion. Any day I know I’m going to see her is automatically a good day.
3. My oldest son is great. He’s clever, cheerful, fun, and affectionate. He grew several inches in the last year and is starting to show signs of facial hair. Pretty soon, he’s going to learn how to drive and get a job and start looking at colleges. I’m not sure I’m ready for any of that.
4. My youngest son is wonderfully creative. The way he builds new Lego structures and describes ideas for new games or parks or dinosaurs shows boundless inventiveness. His head must be such an interesting place to live.
5. My Brother is full of passion and energy. He has been remarkably successful in not just the field he has chosen to pursue, but most anything he decides to accomplish. We have a great relationship hampered only by the distance that separates us.
6. My Sister-in-law has a sharp sense of humor, an infectious positive attitude, and seems like a perfect partner for my brother.
I’m going to tell you what I personally think is the worst job in the world. Perhaps it’s best to call it the job I would have right before I realized I had nothing left to live for. It’s this job right here:
What do they call this job? Sign waver? Potential target in Death Race 2000? Least valuable member of the team?
I can only assume they give this job to people who suck at making pizza. And you’d have to really suck at making pizza to be kicked out of a Little Caesars kitchen.
If you suck at making pizza that bad, they put you out on the street and make you wave around a sign so passing motorists will think “man, I haven’t had any cheap, shitty pizza in a while. Sure, I just ate an expensive lunch on my company’s dime but for only $5.00, I can buy a large pizza, eat half a slice and give the rest to my staff. I’ll look like the most generous guy on the planet!”
While this ploy might work with Donald Trump, I don’t know if it works for anyone else.
So some poor dude is standing out on a corner freezing or baking his ass off for little to no benefit. At least that’s what it looks like to me. Maybe Little Caesars sells dozens of extra pizzas every time they send one of these guys out on the street. Maybe it’s because people think “oh thank god that asshole isn’t making pizza right now.”
It looks like a shitty job to me. But you know what has occurred to me lately? There’s a job that sucks just a little bit more.
Good for her, right? She decided she wasn’t interested in getting the Measles so, of her own free will, she went behind her parent’s backs and solved the problem the way most of us would solve that problem.
The mom is losing her shit because she didn’t consent to the procedure. Too bad for her they live in Canada and at sixteen, her daughter gets to do whatever the fuck she wants with her own body.
As a parent, I understand that there are certain choices we need to make for our kids until they reach a certain age. I’ve told my kids that they can get a tattoo if they want but they have to wait until they are 18. Why? Because I figure it will give them a little time to think about it before they get a picture of Twilight Sparkle tattooed on their butt.
If they came to me at 17 and had a good argument, I’d probably tell them it was fine.
Given how my kids respond to pain, this hypothetical conversation is never going to happen. But I digress.
This pain in the ass mom seems to think that she has some right to control over another person’s body because that body happens to belong to her daughter.
What is she so angry about anyway? If her daughter develops autism as a result of the vaccines, she is still going to be moving out in a couple of years.
I’ve been reading a lot about what people think is funny.
I’ve discovered one universal truth: if it doesn’t make you laugh, it’s not funny.
By that I mean if a comedic piece doesn’t make someone laugh, they declare it isn’t funny.
If they don’t get the joke, it is because it was a bad joke.
If twenty other people laughed and/or got the joke, they were wrong.
With that in mind, I want to talk about Dumb and Dumber. I really hate the movie. I don’t find it funny at all. Except for the dog van. That shit is hilarious.
So. I don’t like Dumb and Dumber. It doesn’t make me laugh. Since I’m a comedian and I, theoretically, know comedy, does that mean the film isn’t funny? Does it mean I should lecture everyone who loves the movie on all the ways it is a terrible comedy? Does it mean I should say very thoughtful things like “I understand why you think it was funny but here’s why you are wrong.”
Or does it mean that comedy is, at least in part, a matter of opinion? Read More…
I could mention a lot of things that piss me off about the latest mass shooting in Charleston.
I’m pissed that in spite of the fact the killer is a self admitted racist, there are lots of people who insist that this wasn’t about race.
I’m pissed because South Carolina still flies the Confederate flag at its state capitol and state leaders continually try to pretend there are no racist connotations that can be associated with that flag.
And I’m pissed because every time there is a mass shooting, some pro-gun nuts find ways to blame it on the victims because they weren’t carrying a gun.
This dude blames one of the victims because he was a legislator who actively campaigned against allowing guns in churches. As if that is some sort of crazy far left-wing position that made him some sort of fringe politician.
What kind of whacked out liberal would oppose guns in churches?
The NRA solution to gun violence is always MOAR GUNZ! I guess I understand because that’s their solution to everything.
One wonders, though, if just once they could wait until the bodies are in the ground.